This is part nine of Autumn’s story. The rest of her story can be found here:
There are many emotions associated with receiving a child’s diagnosis and Autumn’s experience was no different.
The emotional effects of the diagnosis
First, she felt relief. Not knowing was hard. But having a diagnosis meant she could develop a plan of action and have a direction to move towards; no more guessing games.
She also felt validated. She was right. Her concerns were legitimate and she was right to seek medical help.
But there was also anger.
- Anger, because no one was listening.
- Anger, because the diagnosis shouldn’t have taken so long, had someone listened.
- Angry at herself for not being assertive enough, especially with the allergist.
There was also regret. She wishes she hadn’t canceled the first GI appointment. Had she gone, her son would’ve been diagnosed earlier.
Beneath it all there was an undercurrent of guilt. Not only did she feel like she let her son down but she also wondered if she caused her son’s condition.
- Was she to blame?
- Did she eat something she shouldn’t have?
- Did she pass down something genetically?
- Was it her unhealthy lifestyle?
- Did she do something to contribute to his condition?
How to work through the negative emotions
It’s very easy to get sucked into the vortex of negative emotions. Autumn could’ve let the spiral of negativity pull her down and hold her under. But what helped her stay afloat was time and distance, and perspective. Her motto is know better, do better. It’s abbreviated from the Maya Angelou quote:
Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.
It’s important to remember we are fallible. We don’t know it all. There are gaps in our knowledge and there will ALWAYS be room for improvement. The only way to overcome our failures, mistakes, and even lack of knowledge is by LEARNING from them and doing better next time. By doing so, we’re changing our perspective and turning pity parties into growth opportunities.
Looking back
Of course, there are some circumstances Autumn would definitely change if she could. But there are others she simply can’t do anything about because there’s no way she could’ve known what she knows now back then. Not even the professionals she was seeking help from knew, so how could she have known? There’s nothing she could’ve done differently to handle the situation any better. The knowledge just wasn’t there and berating herself isn’t going to change anything.
But there are things she would change if she could. She most certainly would’ve been more assertive with the allergist. What he said to her and how he treated her were wrong, unprofessional, and demeaning. However, she still had a choice. Continue to stand by her concerns and risk looking stupid, if she was wrong. Or accept his opinion and follow his recommendation. Knowing what she knows now, she would’ve risked it and wouldn’t have canceled the GI appointment.
Do better
Unfortunately, there’s nothing Autumn can do about that now. But, she CAN change the future and make sure it doesn’t happen again. She knows better. She knows she can’t push aside her doubts anymore. She also makes sure to use her voice and she practices the prove me wrong method.
Likewise, we all have a voice and we are experts on our children. We know them better than anyone else. So if there are doubts, don’t be afraid to bring them up. And don’t be afraid to keep asking until it’s resolved.
What Autumn’s learned
Autumn knows very well the consequences of ignoring her doubts, she’s lived through it. But she’s resolved to never let that happen again. She’s willing to look stupid and be proven wrong in order to get her doubts cleared up. She’s even willing to take risks and be the squeaky wheel if she must, now that she knows better.
She also doesn’t waste her time and energy punishing herself for decisions she can’t change. Instead, Autumn channels that energy to do better. She’s learned we should never be ashamed to fight for our health (and our children’s health) because it’s our life, it’s precious and it’s worth fighting for. The biggest regret she has is when she knew better but didn’t do better.