*This is part six of Harlie’s stories. The rest of her story can be found here:
part one, part two, part three, part four and part five.
One of the issues Harlie brought up in our time together was some of her spiritual struggles and I’m so glad she did. As believers in Christ, we should never be ashamed to share our doubts and fears. There will be times when we don’t understand something or even question our faith. But there’s no shame in openly discussing our concerns with someone we trust.
Unfortunately, Harlie was too young and didn’t know how to explain some of the concepts she struggled with.
Faith
One of those was faith. Hebrews 11:1 (Good News Translations) says “[t]o have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see..”
It wasn’t about her belief in Jesus. She was secure in that knowledge. But it was the concept of faith accomplishing the impossible. Jesus says in Matthew 17:20 (NLT) all we need is the faith of a mustard seed to be able to move a mountain. He says nothing would be impossible if we had faith.
Doubting her faith
The problem was Harlie was praying and believing but her mountain didn’t move. God didn’t heal her skin condition and she didn’t know why. She knew He was capable of healing. After all, she’s read about all the miracles Jesus performed while He was alive. She’s even heard about modern-day miracles. So she couldn’t understand why not her?
Frustration
She wondered what was stopping Him. Was it her faith? Did she not have enough? Was it not strong enough? Perhaps there was a lesson she needed to learn. Was her EB what keeps her connected to God? Was it like a thorn in her flesh, like the apostle Paul had? She just didn’t know. And she also didn’t know how to explain her frustration to other people. So she felt very much alone.
Giving God the cold shoulder
One day she just grew tired of it. She was tired of waiting. Tired of feeling forgotten, even neglected. Tired of wondering why not her. Just so tired of dealing with EB. She was worn out.
All her frustration…and shame turned into anger. So Harlie did the only thing she could, she gave God the cold shoulder. If He was ignoring her then she would do the same to Him as well. She decided not to read the Bible anymore.
Although Harlie was struggling to find answers, she never stopped believing in God. Neither did she doubt His goodness. She just couldn’t understand why He wasn’t healing her, especially since He can see her suffering.
Reconciling
This went on for some time until one night Harlie had a hard time sleeping. She had a blister that kept her up all night in pain and discomfort.
Since she wasn’t getting any sleep, she decided to go ahead and pray. The physical pain must have been a reminder of her emotional one because all the sorrow, shame, frustration, unanswered questions, and anger just poured out of her in one big raw emotional dump.
At the end of her prayer time, she doesn’t really know what happened but Harlie says she ‘felt a peace rest on her.’
All her pain and frustration seemed to melt away and she felt consolation in its place. She realized she wasn’t going through this journey alone. She didn’t need to walk by herself or try to figure it out on her own. This wasn’t just her struggle, God was with her, helping her every step of the way. That knowledge melted all the anger.
A thorn in the flesh
Is her EB a thorn in her flesh? She doesn’t know.
The only thing she does know is that she’d ‘rather be imperfect and need Jesus rather than be perfect and not need Him.’ If EB is the tool that keeps her connected and dependent on Jesus then she is good with that.