Megan knew Carson would need to have surgery to repair his cleft lip. She’d prepared herself for that eventuality. But she didn’t know that from 2 weeks old until about 6 months of age (well after the surgery) Carson would lose a lot of weight and be diagnosed with failure to thrive.
Further testing
Because of his weight loss and reflux, shortly after surgery, Carson underwent a barium swallow test to make sure there were no structural problems preventing him from swallowing. The test results came back normal.
To rule out any other underlying factors, Carson also had an ultrasound of his brain. As before, everything looked good.
Carson’s progress after surgery
Thankfully, within a year Carson’s reflux resolved on it’s own.
His weight, however, remains a concern to this day. Since it’s still on the growth chart, it isn’t a pressing issue but he’s being monitored closely.
The only other side effect of the surgery was Carson’s smile.
Before surgery, Carson’s smile was so big, it lite up his entire face. But after surgery, he lost that smile and Megan wasn’t sure if it would come back.
Although it took some time, thankfully Carson’s smile did return. But never as big as it was before.
Regression
Carson was doing well. The stress of surgery and the recovery period was successfully behind him. And in spite of his weight loss, he was making progress…although his smile wasn’t quite there yet. He even started babbling.
At last, it felt like everything was getting back to normal. Just when Megan thought she could finally say goodbye to this chapter of her life and breathe easy, she gets hit with another wave of the unexpected.
Carson stops babbling.
Being thankful for her degree
All throughout Megan’s journey, there was always someone there to help her get through some of the hard times. For instance, when she first got the call from the doctor that Carson may have a cleft lip, her mother was there.
During her labor and delivery when she was struggling with unknowns, her doctor was there. During another dark time, it would be her husband. But this time it was actually Megan’s degree in Family Life Education – Child Development that aided her.
It was her training that allowed her to recognize Carson’s symptoms so quickly and to get help right away.
The dark times
For the first three years of Carson’s life, Megan was “..taking one step forward and two steps back.” As soon as she dealt with one issue, there was another two right behind it. It was an unending processional of needs all waiting to be addressed. For Megan, there was never a moment she could relax, take a breath and compose herself.
Instead, she kept getting handed arbitrary puzzles pieces, never sure if they were connected to each other. Or if they were even from the same box. It was hard trying to make sense of all these random bits of information and even harder to come up with a plan of action. Now add postpartum and a global pandemic to that frustration and it’s easy to see why Megan calls it her dark times.
It was a difficult and trying season and no matter how hard she worked, she couldn’t fix the problem…she couldn’t solve the puzzle. She was unable to make the constant struggle of not knowing go away. It made her angry with herself, scared for Carson and angry at God. Her faith was definitely tested.
The heart of the matter
Megan looks back and realizes she was just trying to bring some order to the chaos she was feeling by trying to prepare. But in doing so, she wound up creating more anxiety and not really living her life. In fact, it was her husband who had to stage an intervention (not in the literal sense) for her to realize she couldn’t continue to be healthy and live this way.
She came to a point when she had to accept she couldn’t protect Carson from the pain she experienced in her own childhood with an undiagnosed disability. There was nothing she could do to shield Carson from what she endured. She couldn’t childproof Carson’s life.
She had to face the fact she was not in control. Even having the perfect plan would not prevent Carson from getting hurt. Nor would it stop him from going through his own struggles. She reached a point when she realized she couldn’t hold onto fear and God’s hands at the same time. She had to let go of one in order to cling to the other.
Letting go of fear
Megan chose the harder more difficult path and decided to let go of fear and hold onto God.
She made a conscious decision to trust God even when she didn’t have the answers or when there were more unknown than known. She trusts God will provide all those answers at exactly the right time.
She also chose to trust God’s plans for Carson. She knows Carson is a gift from God and His plans for Carson are so much better than hers. Because of this, she’s going to trust that God will help Carson overcome his challenges just like God helped her.
Above all, she trusts God plans will be better than hers. And His ways are always good and even if she doesn’t always understand them, she trusts God had a reason.
Clinging onto God
In letting go of fear, Megan shifted her focus to God and filled her mind with good thoughts as it says in Phillippians 4:8 (NLT): “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”
She began to read devotionals that dealt with some of the struggles she was facing. They helped keep her mind on God and not her circumstances. A list of the devotionals she read will be included at the end of Megan’s story.
She tuned her soul to God by listening to Christian music. The melody’s resonated and ministered to her spirit. Often the lyrics gave life to the feelings she couldn’t find the words to express. A list of those songs will also be available at the end of Megan’s story.
She turned her heart toward God by praying. She says she feels the closest to God when she’s praying. She describes it as “a way to get to know Him (God)” and also a time where God “can give you encouragement”. Megan has seen her prayer life strengthened and in fact, prayer was one of her themes this past year.
The impacts on her marriage
Megan’s marriage has also been impacted as a result of everything that has happened. One of her fears was that the added stress of having a child with a disability would pull her and her husband apart. She wasn’t sure how the marriage would survive the constant barrage of additional stress and anxiety.
However, contrary to her fears, her marriage has strengthened and grown. In fact, Megan and her husband have drawn closer together. They’re learning to work together as a team. Having a strong marriage is one of Megan’s biggest triumphs and she’s so thankful to God for it.
Learning to trust God not only strengthened Megan’s faith but it also prepared her to face the next hurdle in her life… Carson’s diagnosis.