The first time I was told my unborn baby may have a disability, I was shocked…angry. But above all, I was scared. All I saw were reasons why it wouldn’t work. Starting with a list of all my inadequacies and ending with my lifestyle not being a supportive environment to raise a child with a disability.
On top of my own trepidation, the neonatologist shared his views about people with disabilities. In a word, it was grim. He only predicted heartache for me and the baby. It seemed like being the parent of a child with a disability was the worst fate possible. But then the neonatologist gave us a way out. A means to make all those potential problems disappear….abort our unborn child and try again.
Past me
It’s been over 25 years since that day and I’ve grown a lot since then. One lesson I’ve learned (and am still learning) is, I can’t make tomorrow’s decisions based on today’s fears. If I look at tomorrow from today’s perspective I will always feel inadequate. Another way of saying it is, viewing the future with the knowledge I have today can be frightening and overwhelming. It will always look like I don’t have enough courage…wisdom…patience…skill or time.
Instead of focusing on this fear, I’m teaching myself to remember there’s a gap between today and tomorrow. Sometimes as little as hours and days or as long as months and years. But enough time for learning and growing to take place. So every day I live, I won’t be the same person as I was yesterday. I will know a little bit more since I’ve lived another day.
The me that gave birth to my son
For example, the me who mentally listed all the reasons she couldn’t have a child with a disability is not the same me who gave birth to my son or held him for the first time. Because that me had seven more months of living.
She felt the life growing inside of her. She experienced her baby’s kicks and heard his heartbeat. But the me listening to the neonatologist was a scared, frightened, hot mess. If she would’ve gone ahead and made a decision in that state, she would have regretted it every day of her life because she couldn’t see anything beyond her fears.
Fear is a terrible influencer
Fear is actually one of the biggest influencers in the world with new followers subscribing daily. Unfortunately, it’s not the best person to take advice from. Because, although it will try to convince us it knows all, it doesn’t. It predicts tomorrow based on what it sees and knows today. So the future tends to be a biased, distorted, and inaccurate version of what may happen.
The truth of the matter
The fact is, just because we don’t see how it will work out today doesn’t mean it will never work out. It could just be we didn’t have enough time to find the answer. After all, nobody (not even ourselves) knows how we’re going to respond to a situation until we face it.
Who we are today may seem inadequate. But don’t let fear sell us short by intimidating, bullying, or shaming us from doing something hard. Because we’ll never know what we’re capable of unless we try.
It’s the times I took chances that I grew as a person. On every single occasion, I did something outside my comfort zone, I saw potential I never knew I had. And I definitely became stronger.
I know for sure, past me could’ve never imagined my future. But I’m a different person now than then. I’ve gone through several seasons of life. I’ve experienced joy, sorrow, heartbreak, and triumph. I’ve also survived several storms. All those experiences have shaped me into who I am today.
What I’m learning
I’m learning not to allow fear to cloud my mind and make permanent decisions about tomorrow based on who I am today. I’m trusting God to give me the strength and courage to overcome whatever lies in my path, no matter how big, intimidating, and impossible it seems. I’m teaching myself to take it one day, one step, and one moment at a time.
I haven’t completely mastered it yet. I’m still working on recognizing when fear is trying to influence my decisions. But I do know I’m better at it today than I was yesterday.