Pauses

Back in February, I did a post titled Pit Stops. It was about finding God in the pauses of our lives. Or the unexpected moments that force us to stop, take a detour, or even recharge. 

 

My life had fallen back into a rhythm and I was enjoying it. I already had several unexpected pauses this year and I wanted to get back to routine. I had a destination to reach and I was tired of the delays. 

 

Then my father died. 

 

I find myself in another pause. 

 

I want to get back to the familiar and known. But I am not the same person I was before the pause.

 

I don’t feel completely whole, there’s a part of me that has died. A part that will never be the same again. Our family will never be complete. There will always be an empty space reminding us of our loss.

 

As someone who doesn’t like to linger too long at pit stops because I get pretty restless quickly, I’ve decided to embrace this pause.  

 

I’m going to sit here for a bit and learn what God’s teaching me. 

 

I don’t believe life just randomly happens; there’s a reason for everything. 

 

On the day my father passed away, I had written in my journal that I was sensing the beginning of something. I wasn’t sure if it was the coming of spring or just a change but I was feeling something: Something exciting. 

 

Little did I know in a few short hours after I penned those words, my life would change and my family would never be the same again.

 

From where I sit, I wouldn’t call this change exciting, far from it. There’s an emptiness that wasn’t there before and a sadness that will probably never disappear.

 

But from my father’s perspective, it signaled the end of a job well done. The end of life as he knew it and the beginning of life as it should’ve been. 

 

My father is finally at rest. There is no more sorrow. No more suffering or pain. His body is whole and he is free.

 

What this change means for the rest of us, I’m not sure; only time will time.