There was a guy I knew many years ago in college. Although we were acquainted we weren’t close friends. Our relationship consisted of group projects and occasional chats outside of class regarding assignments. I knew nothing about his personal life except that he seemed like a nice guy and always had a smile on his face.
One day I remember seeing him in the hallway and although he smiled at me, it wasn’t the same. He seemed contemplative. It felt like a shadow clouded his face like the spotlight that used to shine on him was turned off. He simply didn’t look good. I wanted to ask him if he was okay but pride got in the way and the words were never spoken. It seemed too personal to inquire about feelings from someone I barely knew. Or so I told myself. The truth was I didn’t want to look stupid or offend him. It was a decision I would deeply regret. That night he committed suicide.
In the days that followed, I wondered what would’ve happened if I had stopped and asked him how he was doing. It’s one of those moments I wish I could do over again. This time I would stop and ask even if I looked dumb. I don’t know if it would’ve prevented him from taking his life but it would’ve shown him, that he wasn’t invisible, and that people cared about him. Perhaps he would’ve felt God’s love but I will never know. I struggled with regret wondering if it was God who had prompted me and I failed to listen.
Regret’s like superglue, once you get stuck, it’s hard to get unstuck. It’s a never-ending cycle of constantly re-living those bad choices and mistakes but never accepting responsibility or owning up to them. This makes it impossible to move forward because we’re stuck mentally at that particular moment replaying every alternate ending. Regret is toxic that way. And if left unaddressed, it can slowly suffocate joy (or kill it entirely), replacing it with bitterness and even anger. We are all prone to make mistakes and bad choices. We are human after all. No one is perfect – except Jesus. The sooner we embrace that and learn to accept our mistakes the happier we’ll be.
Regret isn’t all negative, it also has the potential for change if we take responsibility for our actions and seek forgiveness. It took me a while but eventually, I asked God for forgiveness. I also had to forgive myself and take responsibility for my choices, that was harder to do. This doesn’t mean his suicide doesn’t bring me sadness. It still does. It was a tragic end to a life that had so much potential. And I wonder what lie he was believing that he thought death was the only option.
What I’ve learned
I can’t undo the past but I can own my mistakes and make sure they don’t happen again. That’s why, I no longer have any reservations about asking people how they are doing – even strangers. I even text people just to check on them. Admittedly, sometimes I feel foolish and a little stupid for doing so but I do it anyway. I’ve learned the consequences of ignoring a God prompt and aim to do better. That’s the positive aspect of regret, it can be the catalyst for change. If we take the time to own our mistakes, ask for forgiveness and forgive ourselves we can grow from our regrets.