Not sure if it’s my son’s birth month or my conversation with Shelly, but I’ve been reminiscing. I even took out my photo storage box and looked through some old pics. You know, the pictures I was going to put into albums but kept pushing off until tomorrow. The elusive tomorrow that keeps slipping through my fingers. I’ll let you know when I find it and get those pictures organized.
My unexpected reality
For me, pictures are time portals. They allow me to go back in time and relive the moment the picture was taken. Looking at my pregnancy pictures, I can still remember the morning sickness, the fatigue, the excitement. But never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would be the mother of a child with a disability. I can definitely say that possibility never crossed my mind.
Maybe because I didn’t know many kids with disabilities. Most pregnant women I knew delivered their babies and brought them home with no complications, no diagnosis and no drama. It seemed pretty simple and straightforward. Yet that’s not how my story played out.
Instead, I was the statistic. Did you know (according to CDC statistics) that 1 in 33 babies are born with a birth defect? My son was that baby.
My holding pattern
Lately, I find myself wondering what if I wasn’t the statistic?
Don’t get me wrong, I love my son and I love my life. But, my life is stuck in time. Or, as they say in airplane lingo, in a ‘holding pattern’ . I’m stuck in one phase of life. Never progressing any further. Never being able to land.
Because, although my son is a young adult age wise, in behavior and personality he’s still very much a child. I’ll never watch him grow up and become an adult. Actually, he will never grow up.
This means I’m forever a mom to a child. As my son ages, the gap between my world and my contemporaries widens. While their children are beginning to fly the nest, I’m still finding sitters to watch my son.
Yet, I can’t join the moms with younger children because most young children are baffled by my son. He’s bigger, louder and yet very childlike. They have no idea how to interact with him.
This leaves me wondering where do I fit in. I can relate to the moms with little kids yet my son is a young adult, so we can’t really set up play dates. But the mom’s with kids my son’s age have moved on from dressing and feeding issues. Leaving me feeling like I’m stuck in limbo.
My current season of life
So this season of my life is sprinkled with pockets of sadness…frustration??…longing??…fatigue?? Or maybe it’s wanderlust from having been in one stage of life for too long. Not really sure, maybe it’s a bit of everything combined together.
But I’m guessing as more and more of my friends (and family) become empty nesters I will need to keep adjusting my perspective, so I can embrace my normal.
Because I know if I start pulling out one piece of thread, the entire tapestry of my life starts unraveling. That’s no way to live life.
To live life to the fullest, I need to embrace my life with no regrets. No looking back to undo moments. Or to wish them away. Instead, I move forward and press on to take hold of what God’s got in store for me (Philippians 3:12-14). Not longing for a different future. Nor wishing to undue the past. But to make the best of each day, treasuring what I have.
My wildly unexpected life
Life is not what I planned.
My plans were dull and ordinary compared to my reality. I can say with certainty life has been a wild, unexpected, crazy ride since my son entered our lives.
God has definitely done exceedingly more than I asked for or imagined (Ephesians 3:20).
As I celebrate my son’s birthday, and reflect back on my pregnancy, I’m thankful beyond words God blessed me with this uniquely abled son.
He’s challenged and inspired me more than I thought possible. I look forward to see what God’s got in store for him in the coming year.
