I had different people tell me my son’s disability was due to my sin. For clarity, I’m going to refer to them as Dazed and Confused throughout this post.
When they shared their newsflash with me, I was shocked. I couldn’t believe people could speak such terrible words. Or that somewhere in the recesses of their brain they thought this statement was helpful and something I needed to know. I’ve got to admit their smugness and pride made me angry.
Aside from questioning their motive, how does one respond to such an accusation?
How did I respond?
First, I started sharing scripture (with the references) which negated their statement. I throw in the original Hebrew words (or Greek for the New Testament) for some extra fun. Slowly, bit by bit, I began ripping apart their allegation.
Dazed and Confused were dumbfounded by my tenacity. Maybe even embarrassed they had said anything in the first place. And I can guarantee they were feeling a little foolish. But they realized they were wrong and apologized, asking for forgiveness. Which I of course graciously bestowed.
This is exactly how it played out in my mind. AFTER the encounter. In the moment, I was speechless. More like a deer in headlights rather then the eloquent debater that emerged in my mind later.
Looking back, I’m so thankful I didn’t say anything. Because I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have worked out the way I envisioned. It most certainly would’ve made the situation worse for younger me.
What younger me didn’t know
At this point in time, younger me had no idea what ableism is (although she was guilty of being ableist). She didn’t know this was the heart of the matter. So she most definitely would’ve used scripture to refute the erroneous statement. But in her emotional state she would’ve failed to realize several factors.
First, Dazed and Confused were NOT interested in entering a theological discussion on the inaccuracy of their statement. They had already made up their minds. Debating them on the matter wasn’t going to change their opinion. Neither was it going to yield the apology she wanted.
You see, what younger me failed to see was the fact the case was closed. Dazed and Confused had already judged the situation and rendered a verdict. Nothing younger me could’ve said to them would’ve made them reopen the case. Instead, they would only uphold and defend their decision. Because in their eyes, younger me was the criminal. She could’ve quoted scripture and presented a well crafted expose on the errors of their statement. It wouldn’t make any difference. As far as they were concerned, she was guilty.
Secondly, engaging them in a debate wasn’t going to make the sting of their accusation fade. There’s no way to go back in time and unhear their words. Nothing Dazed and Confused could’ve said, short of a heartfelt apology, would make their assertion disappear.
Thirdly, younger me was hurt, upset and outraged by their comment. Engaging anyone in that state of mind wasn’t a good idea. Her emotions would’ve taken over her rationale. This would’ve lead to a lot of angry words and regret later on. Not to mention she would’ve felt worse after the confrontation, since it wasn’t going to end the way she wanted it to.
Younger me didn’t have the wisdom of hindsight. Which is why I’m thankful she was too taken aback by the allegation to respond.
How would I respond now?
I would call out the statement for what it is. I would let Dazed and Confused know, it’s an ableist, biased attitude against people with disabilities. Plainly put, it’s discrimination. Or at least something along those lines.
Will my response alter their view? I don’t know. But I hope it makes them think about their words at least.
In the end, all I can do is hope. Because I can’t change what people say or do. The only person I can change is myself. So after calling out the statement for what it is, I would walk away with my head held high. Since I know their statement is about prejudice rather than my sin and punishment. The realization this statement isn’t about me, gives ME peace.