I’ve been surrounded by a lot of loss lately. Not only in my life but in the lives of my friends and family. It’s hard knowing what to do and how to help someone cope with their grief. I’ve compiled a list of what helped me when my father passed away unexpectedly in March.
Meals
This was a huge blessing and I’m not sure if we’d taken the time to eat, had people not dropped off food. We received a variety of meals from homemade to delivery – and even Doordash. We also had people deliver groceries. It was truly a blessing. I appreciate everyone who not only dropped off meals but also those who coordinated what meals we would receive and when. It forced us to take time to eat and also to offer food to those who dropped by.
Physically being there
In addition to all the phone calls and texts we received, it was comforting to have family and friends stop by. Not only was it wonderful knowing my father’s life impacted so many people but it was great having people around us, supporting us. Otherwise, the emptiness of death would’ve been too loud and unbearable.
Helping with the funeral
Because my father’s death was unexpected, we were ill-prepared. Death and funeral arrangements were a forbidden topic in our house. My father refused to discuss either because he thought it was morbid. As a result, we had to figure everything out in the hours after his death. Thankfully, we all knew our father pretty well to know what he would’ve wanted and we were all in agreement. That made decision-making so much easier.
We also had family who volunteered to put together the slide show and the links to the viewing so those who couldn’t attend in person would be able to do so online. They also got the word out about my father’s passing. The people from my parent’s church connected us with a cemetery and funeral home. They made all the arrangements for us to view the plot and even had the funeral director come to our home so we could choose the casket and discuss funeral arrangements. They went above and beyond and were there for us every step of the way, even making sure, there were water bottles and tissues readily available to us during the services. This was so thoughtful and very helpful, considering I didn’t bring any.
Sharing stories
It was great hearing people tell stories about my father. There were so many things I learned about him. Some I knew but others were surprising. Either way, it was great to hear and to see my father’s legacy.
Advice for after the funeral
But support isn’t limited to the days leading up to the funeral. Grief isn’t an article of clothing that can be removed and shoved in the back of the closet never to be worn again. It’s more like a tattoo imprinted on the skin, permanent and visible. The death of my father is a loss I will deal with for the rest of my life. So here’s what helped me in the weeks and months after my father’s death.
Keep in touch
People asking how I was doing was therapeutic. But don’t ask unless you want to hear, even if it’s messy. People checking in on my mom, dropping by and visiting with her to make sure she’s okay and just spending time with her.
Sort through my father’s stuff
It was helpful not to sort through my father’s stuff alone. It’s really not a process anyone should go through alone – unless they want to. Each article of clothing brought back a memory and that was hard, so it was helpful having someone with me.
Practical help
Provide a meal the week or so after the funeral. Or even go out for a meal together. Offer to clean the house, or do laundry. Help sort out finances or legal issues. Or just be a sounding board for ideas. My mom no longer has my father to talk to. Having someone to bounce ideas off or just talk to is helpful in the months after his death while she adapts to the quietness of the house without him.
What I’ve learned
I can definitely say, that without the support of family, friends and the church it would’ve made this journey so much harder. It’s their strength and prayers that are continuing to help us. And for that I’m very thankful and blessed. The biggest advice for anyone wanting to help someone else through grief is: Don’t be afraid to get messy. Grief doesn’t color within the lines and we need people who are okay with that.