As I mentioned in the previous post, Marriage Misconceptions, when my husband and I got our son’s diagnosis we were in the ‘Most Likely to Get Divorced’ category. The odds were not in our favor. We were young, had not been married long and this was our first child. Yet the circumstance drew us together instead of pulling us apart, which intrigued me. What was it that made our marriage survive? Looking back, I can attribute it to four anchors that grounded our marriage, without them, I’m not sure how we would’ve done. The anchors I’m referring to are faith, commitment, community and mindset.
Faith
Faith can have multiple meanings. In this context, I’m referring to the hope that comes from knowing God is sovereign and in control of our lives. Knowing God was working everything for our good no matter how abysmal the situation brought comfort and peace. That was a tremendous help amidst all the uncertainty that being parents of a child with a disability ushered in. Mind you, this didn’t mean we were stoic and unaffected by circumstances. We weren’t, it’s just that we put our trust in God and believed He has a reason for everything He does, even if we don’t understand them. And we both believed it.
Commitment
Even before we were married, my husband and I decided divorce wasn’t an option. We were going to swim or sink together. It seemed so trivial at the time because no one goes into marriage hoping it will end in divorce. So why even bring it up and jinx it? Yet I can’t tell you how comforting this knowledge was.
My pregnancy and the first two years of our son’s life were filled with a lot of drama. We were experiencing emotions that we wouldn’t be able to name until years later. This meant that sometimes we weren’t the best versions of ourselves. But knowing my husband was committed to me no matter how bad it got was very reassuring. I didn’t have to walk on eggshells, I could be my authentic self without any fear my husband was going to leave me. This was such a refuge during all the uncertainty and unknown.
Community
I’ve posted about the importance and benefits of having a community and this is yet another reason.
We had people we could turn to when we needed help or advice. They encouraged, prayed, supported and challenged us. We also had accountability partners who kept us on track and called us out if we were neglecting our marriage. They made sure we had our priorities in order.
Mindset
Lastly, we shifted our mindset. Marriage is a team sport and there is no ‘i’ in team. The only way to be successful was to work together. During stressful, highly charged moments, this doesn’t come naturally. Our differences become glaringly obvious and threaten to pull us apart. Why wouldn’t it? My husband and I are two different people. We have unique needs and wants and very distinct ways of handling stress. And working together as a team forced us to embrace those differences and appreciate each other’s strengths. It fostered a spirit of cooperation instead of conflict.
What I’ve learned
Raising a child with a disability isn’t easy, it adds another layer of stress to the marriage. This can draw couples together or pull them apart. What helped us grow closer together was that both of us had the right mindset. We were on the same team and committed to each other no matter what happened. Then having a group of people cheering us on who weren’t afraid to speak the truth in love, encouraged us to keep fighting. And above all, having an unshakable faith that God works all things for good kept hope alive. These were the anchors that grounded our marriage.