As a child I was in awe of all the aerial acrobatics at the circus. I watched with baited breath during the entire segment afraid the acrobats may fall or lose a grip or something. But they never did. Their timing, poise and balance were always perfect. They flew through the air so gracefully, I longed to fly like them. They made everything look easy, especially balance and timing. But it takes a lot of time and practice to get those two right. I know because it’s a daily conflict in my world. Particularly, balance.
In a nod to the circus, I call this post the great balancing act.
The great balancing act for me is how to meet my son’s wants without neglecting my own. Especially since it’s easy to get lost in his world because his needs are all day, every day, never-ending. There’s never an off or even a pause button when it comes to his care. I am always on. Is it any wonder it’s hard to find time to meet my own needs?
The early days
When I first received my son’s diagnosis, I never thought about taking time for myself. The phrase me time didn’t exist in my world. I was too wrapped up in caring for him, it was easy to neglect myself. After all, his needs were more critical than mine. If he didn’t get the correct services at the right time this affected his development. Compared to this, my needs were trivial. How could I justify putting a pause on his needs to take care of myself?
It felt wrong to even think about it. As if by doing so, I would be neglecting him already. Clearly guilt was my companion in those early days. Guilt was always there to make sure I had my priorities straight. And if it wasn’t guilt, other people were there to reproach me when I tried to take time for myself.
What have I learned?
First, I was using the wrong conjunction. It wasn’t either I take care of myself or I take care of my son. It wasn’t an either-or situation. Instead, it’s an and situation. I need to find time to take care of my son and myself. If I don’t, I am no good to anybody, especially him. This is why airplane emergency procedures tell us to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first before we put it on anybody else. We are no good to anybody if we pass out while trying to put the mask on someone else first without affixing ours.
What this means is, I have to make sure I am performing at my best every day. I don’t have superhuman strength or an endless supply of energy I can tap into. The only way I can achieve this goal is by making sure I take time to recharge. It’s a necessity never optional. It’s as important to my health as the air I breathe and the food I eat.
Additionally, just like the aerial acrobatics, timing is also important. I’ve learned flexibility and adaptability with my me time is essential. Schedules and seasons constantly change. I take advantage of every opportunity and don’t discard any because it’s not ideal. I’ve had busy seasons where the only time I found was the few minutes before getting out of my car. This was certainly less than ideal but those few minutes were better than nothing.
As far as other people’s judgments go, they have a right to their opinion. But I am the one living my life.