The Terrible Dream

It was the most gut-wrenching agonizing sorrow I had ever felt. The dream was so terrible and the sadness so intense it propelled me out of bed and hurled me to my son, Caleb’s room in a crazed panic. My anxiety subsided only after seeing him sleeping peacefully in his bed. I had dreamt he died.

Even though it was only a dream, the grief and emptiness of his loss was unbearable. Ever since we received Caleb’s diagnosis, my husband and I knew there was a possibility he may die young. As I mentioned previously I struggled with that knowledge and it took time for me to stop making graves for the living.

But I haven’t struggled with it since I decided to live one day at a time and to trust that God would give me the strength to overcome whatever comes my way. Besides, there’s really no way I can prepare myself for my son’s death. How can any parent prepare for such an eventuality? My love for him increases each year. I can’t stop that. Neither can I try to love him less in the hopes it will protect me from heartbreak.

But love doesn’t take away all the complications. My life is still very much guided by Caleb’s needs regardless of how old he is. I still have to have someone to watch him if my husband and I can’t be at home. Even sickness can’t prevent me from making sure his needs are met.

Being a parent of an adult with a disability adds an additional layer of stress and frustration. Scheduling can be a nightmare. Finding someone to watch Caleb is an enormous feat, leaving us to depend on family more often than we like. That can be taxing. But this is what we do as a family to support Caleb. It’s our normal. Everyone makes sacrifices to accommodate him.

But some days I don’t want to deal with the drama. I don’t want to think. Or plan. Or make arrangements. I just want to be spontaneous. If I want to get away for a weekend, I just want to pack a suitcase and go. I don’t want to think about who’s going to watch Caleb. I want to plan activities based on when it’s convenient for me and not when someone’s available to watch him. We’ve been doing this for so long and it’s not getting any easier. It only gets harder and harder as he ages. Caleb consumes a large part of my thoughts and my days. But that terrible dream reminded me that the emptiness of my life without him is a hole nothing could fill. All the spontaneity in the world could never take away that ache. It’s easy to forget in the day-in and day-out of caring.

Caleb is the heart of our family. The sacrifices we make are so trivial compared to the amount of joy, happiness and life he brings. No matter how hard it gets I’d still rather have him with me than go through life without him. He is one of the greatest gifts God has blessed me with and I am thankful he’s my son and I get to be his mama.

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