Things Unspoken

Being a mom of a son with a disability is my normal but I have days when it gets to me. It’s usually during busy, stressful times. When I’m depleted it’s hard for me to pour into my son – or anyone else for that matter. Recently, I had one of those days where it would’ve been better had I never gotten out of bed. It was just one of those bad days. What I needed more than anything else was time to relax and recuperate. 

Destressing isn’t always easy, sometimes it requires ingenuity and out-of-the-box thinking especially when I can’t get away. I’ve discovered creating is the cheapest and easiest way to increase my dopamine levels without leaving the house. Anything from art, jewelry making, organization, baking and even cooking can all be cathartic. I put on some music and lose myself in the task, when I’m done I have a great sense of accomplishment, and the negative emotions are all gone. 

That day, I decided to make a new recipe. It was different than anything I’ve ever made and I was looking forward to the challenge. Sadly, it wasn’t meant to be. The problem started immediately, reading the recipe was next to impossible because I kept getting interrupted by my son…constantly. So much so, that I kept losing my place. I think I read the same step at least 10 times. 

Normally, I am well-seasoned for these kinds of interruptions, it’s my normal. However, after a frustrating day, it was very grating. He kept repeating “firefighter hat, boots, helmet” followed by a “yay!” or some other exclamation, and then he’d wait for a response like he had asked me a question. Regardless of what I said, he would keep repeating himself over and over again. There was nothing I could say that would get him to stop. At one point, I even yelled “I know. You already told me two seconds ago! I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me or what you want me to do!” 

The time I wanted to spend on myself wasn’t happening. My frustrating day blew this minor inconvenience way out of proportion and life instantly became unbearable. All I saw ahead of me was an unending rut. I was soo over the monotony, tired of being trapped in the same stage of life and never ever making progress. I felt like a hamster running on his hamster wheel but never getting anywhere. It seemed unfair. Why was it hard ALL THE TIME? It would be so nice to take a vacation from my normal.

The idea my son will ALWAYS be childlike and I will ALWAYS be the parent of a five-year-old, regardless of how old he gets, felt so heavy..so cumbersome. It felt like I was going through life wearing cement blocks for shoes. 

Things Unspoken

These are the not-so-happy moments of being a mom of an individual with a disability. The things unspoken. The days that are hard to talk about because it seems selfish to want a break from your child or even your life. It feels all wrong to say those words but those emotions don’t go away because they are unspoken.

To all those moms out there struggling, I want you to know I see you.

I hear you.

I understand. 

You are not alone. 

What I’ve learned

The daily care for our children takes a toll on our physical and mental health and some days that wear and tear is taxing. My frustrating day and the inability to find time for myself escalated my emotions to the point where everything about my life looked terrible. Naturally, that wasn’t the case. I was just having a difficult day. There will be days – even seasons – when it’s just one bad break after another. But we always have a choice: Do we allow ourselves to spiral into those negative thoughts or take them captive? The choice to throw a pity party or rise up from the ashes is always ours.  Getting to that decision isn’t always easy but thinking about how far I’ve come gives me the strength to move forward.

I never thought I could be the mom of a child with a disability. I never thought I would be able to rise to the challenges but with God’s help, I did. I overcame all the setbacks and unruly obstacles that were hurled my way. God gave me the strength, wisdom and direction I needed. He’s certainly not going to stop working because I wasn’t able to get some time for myself.

I say I trust Him in ALL things but it’s days like this when that belief gets tested. Do I trust God will give me the rest that I need even if it isn’t going to happen the way I planned it?

So I stopped feeling sorry for myself, stopped fighting my normal and set the recipe aside for another time. Instead, I stepped into my son’s world. His chaotic, noisy, repetitive list-filled world. I focused on him and realized I had stumbled upon a perfect moment. Life was good. My family was alive and healthy. We have a roof over our heads, food on the table and clothes in the closet. And I get to spend some time with my sweet boy who I love so much.

In the end, being present and in the moment accomplished exactly what I had set out to do: relax and recuperate. Life doesn’t always go the way I planned and some days I want a break from my normal but I’m thankful to God for the life I have and the children He’s blessed me with. My life isn’t perfect but it’s still good.